my irrational fear

i fear many things in life, but can usually manage to avoid most of my fears. i.e. i refuse to consider living in taipei because i am scared of cockroaches. i.e. i refuse to go watch scary movies. there is, however, one fear that i cannot avoid: the dentist.

i found my dentist after moving to toronto and she's awesome. the people at the practice are also super friendly. i was even friends with the receptionist for a while there until she moved on to being a full time student. i digress. no matter how nice my dentist is, and no matter how chatty my hygienist has been for the past two visits, i can't help but shudder when the "procedures" begin. i hate knowing that little machinery are working away in my mouth without me seeing and controlling, and i get all kinds of weird involuntarily reflexes to want to move, hit people, and run away.

usually my fear is somewhat calmed by the presence of my wonderful boyfriend who makes his check-up appointments for the same day as me. to clarify though, he's never had to hold my hand through a procedure, yet. anyway, today, i had to go alone.

ALONE!

i put on my brave face and sat through it all, but cursed evolution for not being advanced enough to give us indestructible teeth. it's an issue i may have to take up with the divine presence if i ever meet him/her. i flinched when my teeth got too sensitive with the little poking thing that spurts water, and almost snorted when water misted on my face (by my nose). i grunted a few times to stop the evil, and i'm pretty sure that without realizing, i was shooting daggers with my eyes at the hygienist. i know it's not her fault, but still, she was inflicting extreme discomfort on me both emotionally and physically.

i have no idea why i should feel so scared. i know why i'm blood-averse (thanks julia), and i know why i am afraid of ghosts (thanks scary stories that i didn't want to hear). i don't know of anyone who's been traumatized at the dentist. i think it's seriously an irrational fear based on the fact that i feel like i have no control of what's going on in my mouth, yet i can hear and feel every movement in there. AUGH!

afterwards i cheered myself up by parking along a side street and walking down to bloor west for some groceries and to pop into the bank. i love bloor west. it's my favourite neighbourhood in toronto. it always feels vibrant and bright down there. it's a well-to-do neighbourhood but doesn't exude the same hoity-toity ambience as forest hill or rosedale. it's where i would want to live if i were to stay in toronto long term because i feel so comfortable strolling along there, buying my groceries and checking out the little boutiques. the little walk perked me right up and made me forget about the horrid fluoride stuff in my mouth. AUGH!

i promise i will start flossing more regularly!