... any man's death diminishes
me, because I am involved in mankind, and
therefore never send to know for whom the bell
tolls; it tolls for thee.
- John Donne, 1624
when you find out that a loved one has only days left on earth, you morph into a cartoon segment. you stand with your arms hanging helplessly at your side, while the world spins madly around you like a tornado. bits and pieces fly past you: clips of mini to-do lists, things you want to say, things you think, things you wish you had said, things you wish you had done, and the people lists. you mentally note the people you want to see, people you want to tell, people you don't know how to tell, people you wish were there, people you need to talk to...
yet still, a part of you is in denial. maybe you don't think about it and go on auto-pilot take care of every one and every thing. maybe you think about it, albeit with edits as you subconsciously alter reality in your mind. like me.
i feel like i'm letting my everyday life carry me through the days, and i work with a bigger purpose these days: to forget. however, the inevitable is, well, inevitable, and i will find out more as today wears on. i am not sure if i am prepared to hear certain things, so i plan out what i may hear, based on what i want to hear. i plan out the next few days as if i will hear exactly what i want to hear, yet i know i am simply building myself up for disappointment, potentially.
and so i wait.